CW; 145. I can't even look in the mirror anymore.
It’s funny what will trigger a relapse.
I will be my ideal weight, if it kills me.
It’s starting now. Again.
I can beat the numbers. I can beat food. I can beat everything.
I can be beautiful.
I’m getting gross.
This girl I know…. long story short, she stole my girlfriend and was a size 00. She learned my secret and made me feel like shit for ever opening up to anyone about my eating disorder. When they broke up, she gained a lot of weight. And now she’s following thinspo blogs. A lot of them.
Dirty fucking hypocrite.
She made me more self-conscious and now she’s doing just what I’ve been doing for years.
I don’t know what to do, but now I’m deathly afraid she’ll “beat me”. It shouldn’t be about her. It’s not about her….
But I can’t let her be prettier and skinnier than me.
I am stronger…. And she can’t run my life like this anymore.
You’ll break so much easier than you think.
You haven’t been there. You don’t know what it’s like.
This is a game to you.
But this has been my life for a long time. If you want a game, you’ve got it. And I’ll watch from the sidelines as you wither under the pressure.
While you wait for it to be real and you pray for the strength.
And you know what…?
Neither one will come.
I touch my collarbones.
It’s a huge comfort…..